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We shall not oblige: Hyderabads response

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 26 Aug 2007, 10:22am

No we shall not oblige
to terror we shall not bow
not then in may nor now

No we shall not oblige
not to manufactured fear
yes our resolve is clear

No we shall not oblige
not by cowardice, we will not be divided
hindu and muslim, we shall stand united

No we shall not oblige
not give way to hatred and anger
not hate but brotherhood shall linger

No we shall not oblige
In the darkness whimpering we shall not lie
for never shall a hyderabadi truly ever die.

Dedicated to our brothers and sister who lost their lives on may 18th at mecca masjid and on august 25th in the twin blasts. And to hyderabadis everywhere whose sorrow for the fallen is as unconditional as is our fondness for the locations of the bombings. I am proud to call myself a hyderabadi in this our darkest hour and where every hyderabadi stands and states "we shall not oblige to feeble and cowardly attempts to tear us asunder."

Current Mood: Patriotic

Right Foot Wrong SHoe

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 30 Jun 2005, 10:06am

Dudets and members of the unfairer sex(dudes) if u thought the above title thingy meant "dude the dude has the wrong shoe on his right foot" u are dead-on my friend. Anyways a few weeks ago my right foot or my left shoe ,who-ever was the cause of the problem was giving me a real crappy time.

The shit went down like so........
Event 1: ma niggas place(The origin of the affliction)
Nigga: Dude come on hurry up we gotta catch the beginnin of the movie...
Dude(me): Wait up dude i gotta put my shoes on....
Nigga: We'r running 5 mins late and u have to put on ur dumbass strappy sandals on!
Dude:Oh yeah well ur nike shoes are dumbasses too(read as a failed attempt at an insult
to his shoes)
Nigga: Come on hussle up.
Dude: Im done(and something felt weird)
Nigga: Why r u walking all strange n stuff.
Dude: (looking down at my feet) shit i have my left shoe on the right foot.
Nigga: F***ing dumb**** u elephant's ****, U unbelievabale nimcampoop.
Dude: hehehehehehehehe u said elephant's ****.

Event (2-264): Ma tour o the houses to invite ppl to ma cous's weddin
House dude 1: Duuuudes wassup with yo dad(but much more formal in nature)?
House dudet 1: Wasssup with ur mom?
Juniour House Dude 1: Wassup dude?
Dude: Im fine wassup with ur sis man(prospective girl friend A.K.A Juniour House Dudet 1)
House **** 1(everyone): Get out of the f***ing house.
Dude: (So i throw the invitation card in thier face and we (me and my nigga) start to run (well we planned with the how's ur sis question that we'd be touring much more houses 10 times as fast as the other teams))
Nigga: Dude hussle up they're comin with a weird looking stick thingy with weird looking crap on the end and a definitely weird looking expression on their face.
Dude: Yeah im just getting done with my shoes.
Nigga: hurry man they're almost on top of us.
Dude: shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!!
Nigga: What?!
Dude: Right foot wrong shoe!
Nigga: No! AAAAAh! It was'nt my idea stop hitting me, AAAAAh! that damn thing really hurts Ouch!(sort o a girly shout) It was all his idea AAAAAh! no no not there....AAAAAAAAA!


After 264 houses and one badly bruised set of balls later ma nigga collapsed from the all the beatings and we had to call it a day.

Then i felt something was seriously wrong with either my left shoe or my right foot. Then i suddenly realized it might be "Alien limb syndrome" and shuddered. "Alien limb syndrome" is where ur limbs do crap that u never wanted them to do. I was suddenly preoccupied with the overwhelming thought of my own right leg trying to kick me in the balls. It was too much to take so i decided to take radical steps to cure my illness.


First i had to examine the problem at hand. So i looked what's happenin. It seemed whenever i was messing around with somethin my left shoe would end up on my right foot. Presented in exhibit A.

In the above example u'll notice that my right foot and my left shoe or sandle or whatever have unhealthy relationship. If its a sandle its not so uncomfortable but if its a shoe it hurts. And for the blind ppl out there here's another close up.

So i had to cure it and so the brain tinkered..

Prognosis 1: Intimidation by violence
I decided to scare and threaten my left shoe. So hired a mob to kick its ass all over town(my local band of little hooligans). They kicked the shit out of it for like an eclairs each and by the time it got back man was it in a really bad shape....

I eventually decided that maybe destroying all the left legged footwear i have would'nt be such a good idea.
And then i had a brilliant idea (i know im like a factory of gr8 ideas)

Prognosis 2(birlliant idea): Grossness factor by odour
I decided rather than scaring of the shoes i'd gross them out by wearing "really really really stinky socks". Well as it turned out the "really really really stinky socks"

Grossed out not only my left shoe but also my right shoe and all the earthly creatures that could sense an objects stinkiness.

So onto cure number 3.

Prognosis 3: Eradication of the Problem
This was from the radical chinese school of thought where u remove that which causes the problem. Well as it turned out the chinese line of thought was a really shitty one cause some things like setting ur right foot on fire just arent good ideas at all.

Final Prognosis: Aaaaaaaaaaaah! my right foot feels so good

Well as it turned out the cure was as simple as the problem. I simply decided to start with my left foot from now on and as it turned out my left foot knew perfectly well what shoe it was supposed to get in to and the poor right foot had to get into what ever was left out which was the right shoe. So finally the problem was solved.

What did i do immediately after i cured it

Houese 264-536 for invitations

Only this time we were able to run the F off in time.

I know many of u dont believe me and for the cynical lot among u here is my convincing explanation. And those of u have experienced something similar or anything at all leave a comment.

Current Mood: Bad Hair Day
Current Music: Enigma - Cross of changes


Posted by Dude of Wellington | 19 Jun 2005, 3:33am

Dudes and inhabitants of venus(gals), who ever digs kung-fu movies holler "Wakaaaaaaaaaw". I know most of u have a holier than thou smirk on ur face. And i too know that u dug em when u were 3 feet shorter(atleast the guys anyway).

So dudes i was 6 and in those good old days of doordarshan and 21-inch TV's, when a VCR was a whack commodity. And a VHS tape came along once in a red moon(rarer than the more common blue moon), and was played atleast 36trillion times before being returned within 24 hrs. And on one such day a tape was popped in.....

2 hrs 27 minutes later

I was kicking the shit out of my dad(well atleast trying to) while trying to mimic a dogs howl and a cat's meow at the same time.

3 minutes earlier

i had just been through the most intense 2 hrs 24 minutes span of mu life up until i was 6. It was called "Game of Death" and it
was the first time i saw brucelee.

3 days later ....

I could only use sign language to communicate(lost voice cause of shouting) and was limping(my dad kicked the shit out of me(apparently u shouldnt try kung-fu on a larger individual at a bad time)).

When ur 6 and u just find out that its possible to kick the ass of 50 guys at the same time that's the most awesome thing ever. I was hooked and i never looked back until 1996(which was when the kung-fu movie genre officially died).
Then when i was 11 i saw another movie which had the most awesome martial arts sequence ever between jackie chan and Ubi udriquetz(karate world
champion). The movie was "spanish connection" aka "Meals on Wheels" and the last fight is so fast and so intense u wont believe what ur trying to see if you could just stop laughing.
Kung fu is fun, The dailogs the fights everything. Sometimes i and my friends have fake kung fu fights with all the paraphernalia.
Ass abt to be kicked Dude: "Dude ur kungfu is not good enuff, i will crush you like a tissue paper."
Dude who is abt to kick ass(me): "dude you have crushed too many tissues and now ur dust bin is full, this is the end."
Ass abt to be kicked Dude: "My burger king tissue cursh style is way superior to your gokul pani puri crush."
Dude who is abt to kick ass(me): "Oh yeah My coke can choke will crush ur ***** ... wakaaaaaaaaaaaw."
I leave you with pearls of kung-fu movie wisdom.

True Kung fu movie genre's(good ones)
- The 5 bruce lee movies

- Vintage kung fu movies, jackie chan, samo hung and Biao Yuen

- Urban hong-kong kung fu movies until 1996

What arent kung fu movies
- Any movies where ppl are flying around flinging crap at each other(crouching tiger hidden asshole, Matrix(gr8 movie, but not kungfu))

- Strictly no jet lee movies

- No hollywood movies except "Enter the dragon" (rush-hour too isnt a kung fu movie).

Algorithm for a good kung fu movie(vintage one's are the best)

1) Take a young jackie chan

2) Stick jackie with an old strict dad or uncle

3) Jackie always gets into trouble

4) Dad punishes jackie

5) Any dude with a really weird hairstyle and very powerful and distinctive kung fu move will do for the bad guy

6) Bad guy kills dad.

7) Jackie wants to kill bad guy

9) Bad guy kicks the crap out of jackie

10) Jackie escapes somehow

11) Finds a new master

12) Trains in weird ways under him (like fighting for chicken with chopsticks)

13) Final show down between jackie and the bad guy.

14) Jackie breaks either the foot or hand which ever is special

15) Tata bad guy, onto the next movie jackie.

16) Between all these throw in a lot of finger waving, finger pointing(chinese style) and a couple of bowls of noodles.

Any other kung-fu fans out there that fight in their sleep leave a comment. I must go practice my kattas and Cries(hope i wake my neighbours up).....

Current Mood: Vicious
Current Music: Lady In My Life - Mj

The Massacre(To Kill A Walkingbird)

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 13 Jun 2005, 3:31am

I am a complex human dude. I like sleep in the day and stay awake at night (all the dudes out there who think im like a ghurka dude or something should be feeling pretty stupid right abt now (Im onto u wiseass. And yes the ghurka dudes sleep at nigt too, they just make fools out of yall by banging their stick once every 3 hrs(did u notice like this is the third embedded bracket(im sick)))). I am also like sort of crazy but that?s a good kinda crazy. And I like do many weird things, which donot include other guys (ur sick). But at certain times of the day and at high tide (that?s like when god flushes the toilet) I become like really really uncomplex or simple and primitive. Primitive does not mean I?ll grow a beard turn into a cave dude with skimpy outfits and go hit tigers on their heads. It just means I?ll grow a beard turn into a cave dude in denim pants that have a questionable odour (dudes I also bathe like once every full moon) and go hit chicken on their heads.

Turns out I've genetically evolved to counter the growing chicken population on the planet. I mean I like eat chicken every single day, atleast since the last 2 yrs. And as if killin em while they grow up isn't enuff I eat 10 egg whites every single day(hey I must have my proteins for my muscle tone(im not lying ask my friends)). U?d like not believe it but chicken is like my staple diet. I mean I had chicken in 3 out of 4 meals yesterday?

Meal no.1 ? Chicken Biryani ? Hitech biriyani center (2:30 pm)

Meal no.2 - Chicken Biriyani ? Caf

Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: Ive been everywher - johny cash

The Great Hyderabadi Autowala

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 3 Jun 2005, 8:11am

Dudes, any true blooded biryani eating hyderabadi worth his salt knows he/she cohabits the city with the most cunning creature of em all - "the great hyderabadi autowala". These dudes are like the hyena's of hyd that prey on the 'dumb and dumber' crowd of the twin cities and beyond.

No matter how modest and simple a dude i try to be, my philanthropic nature gets the better of me every once in a while. Hence this 'post', to document the various sub-species of "the great hyderabadi autowala" and their traits for the greater good of mankind.

The yokel trapping autowala
Anatomy: Almost all the auto dudes are great at trapping out of towners. I mean these dudes are so well evolved that they can pick up a country bumpkin from a crowd of millions just by sight. And when u add audio feedback to their already atuned senses u've got jaws with an autorikshaw. The poor "oh i've come to see my aunty who lives in barkathpura" dumbass never had a chance. One hour later the auto dude is long gone leaving behind one bankrupt pile of unadulteradted stupidity wondering "dude, what just happened??"

Modus Opearandi: These dudes approach victims as good natured auto walas just trying to help some poor folks out in a very polite subservient way. Then 3 trips around the city later they arrive at the precise point of their departure a couple of hours ago, only now the autowala is much more threatening with his unshaven buddies in the background. And thus the auto dude gets his hard earned dinero.

Hunting grounds: Secuderabad and nampally railway stations, imliban, all major shopping centers in hyd.

victims: country folk

what to do: Donot I mean Donot under any circumstances walk into anything that is colour coded yellow and black.

What not to do: After ur ripped off by one auto dude donot take another auto to goto where ever the hell ur going.

The city folk trapping auto wala
Anatomy: This sub-species of auto dudes know their shit. They know that no slef respecting hyderabadi will fall for their dumbass attempt at a rip off, so they target dumbasses from other cities who are brave enough to approach an auto wala without knowing the city. But how do they find out who is a hyderbadi and who isnt you wonder. All shall be revealed in good time. These guys know that they wont getaway by making fools of the city folk like they did the yokel's so when they hit you, you wont feel a thing. You just get off the auto thinking wow ameerpet and punjagutta are realllly faaaar apart.

Modus Opearandi: When the victims approach these dudes they start their autos as usual and are off. Then once they are on their way the auto dude puts forth a number of very hyderabadi choices along their route that only a well versed hyderabadi will know. He'll ask stuff like "saab tankbund se jaoon ya begumpet se". And the slightest hint of hesitation on the poor blokes face is enough for the auto dude to fill 364 pages. That on second is the differnce between 20bucks and 200.

Hunting grounds: Secuderabad and nampally railway stations, imliban

Victims: city folk(excluding hyderabadi's)

What to do: Know the routes in the city, and how far apart different places are.

What not to do: Donot ask how far away ur destination is, or tell him u have a million bucks on u.

The good auto wala, bad auto wala duo
Anatomy: hunting in packs they rip off even veteran hyderbadi's with this routine.

Modus operandi: a bunch of these auto walas stand in a group and when someone approaces em, they go 'I want 20 bucks above the meter" and so on until one auto wala goes "Im urs for 15 bucks above the meter". You hug him like god put him on this earth only for you and fall for the oldest trick in the book(the good cop bad cop routine).

Hunting grounds: Hospitals, colleges....

victims: everyone including hyderabadi's

What to do: Get off ur lazy ass and take the bus

What not to do: donot go with the 20 bucks above the meter guy

The a few bucks extra auto wala
Anatomy: This one again is able to rip off hyd folk.

Modus Operandi: These guys either work late at night or early in the morning and try to con ppl out of their mullah by saying that its 1 and half rate at this time, so its better to know that the extra rate is from 10:00 at night to 5:00 in the morning, and no self respecting auto wala will admit this to be true. A variant of this type is one that will try to squeeze more than the agreed share of extra over the meter with a barrage of tactic ranging from "shouting till the neighbours wake up" to the "story of his sick mother, lame sister and blind brother".

Hunting grounds: at busstops in the nocturnal hour.

Victims: everyone including hyderabadi's.

What to do: Give extra only within the alotted time, and dont give more than the agreed extra sum.

What not to do: Donot wait for the bus.

The really bad autowala
Anatomy: True evil, these guys are bad.

Modus operandi: They pillage,molest and even kill innocent passengers. Gals are mainly at risk here and all the "oh im a hyderabadi girl no one can touch me kind" pls pay attention. These things do happen and their frequency offlate has gone up. Please be careful. They usually operate as a group when one victim gets in and is followed by a bunch of the auto wala's cohorts.

Hunting grounds: all over the city

Victims: lone men and women.

What to do: Try and avoid autos late in the night

What not to do: Never send gals alone in an auto, always try to escort them to their place. In case its unavoidable note the license plate number of the auto and keep in touch through a cell until they reach the destination safely.

The good autowala
Anatomy: They are gr8 guys, everyone of us has met a gr8 autowala atleast once. He could either have been, ur daily autowala to shcool while u were a kid, or the auto wala with great anectodes on that one trip umpteen years ago, or the autowala that tries to shield you from any trouble, What ever it might be they do still exist.

Modus operandi: Fun and honest. These guys give the rest of the autowalas a badname.

Victims: All

What to do: Try to hold on to him.

What not to do: Donot forget to visit him every once in a while.

I would like to thank a dear friend of mine without whom all the hyderbadi autowala's would have been long gone. She literally fed the auto dudes and saw them through the tough times brought on by the "mini taxi's",or "share autos", or "Death traps" or whatever u call em. Thanks ***** dude. Pls do add anymore weird hyd autowala behaviour through comments.

Current Music: Rag doll - Aerosmith

The Art Of Getting Screwed Over

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 29 May 2005, 1:43am

Dudes and Dudets, there are like quintessentially two types of people in this world,

A) Those that get screwed over(the screwees)
B) Those that screw the above(the screwers)

and if ur noggin is any bigger than "George.W Bush's"(full offence intended and it is personal)
you should have no problem guessing which of those two classes "the cool one"(in short I) belongs to.

Yup ladies and gentledudes im a screwee. And not just any "run of the mill screwed once every week" type. No this dawg is way ahead of the game. If there was a nobel prize for getting screwed over, id be albert F***ing einstien of that.

Yup i know what ur thinkin, ur thinkin "this dude's yankin my chain, i can probably count his screwee score(the number of times i get screwed over) on the tip of my fingers." Well im not gonna lie to ya, u probably can, IF U WERE A FRIGGIN ALIEN WITH 2.86387 MILLION HANDS. In the odd case u happen to hangout on earth, take it from a dude who has been through his share of his chain being yanked and more - I am the undisputed champion of getting screwed over.

Now that we've established ur planet and my reign on the throne of screwville, let me tell you what it takes to be where i am today.

First off getting screwed aint like eating candy, its not like u wake up one day at 11:57 am and say to urself "dude i hope i get screwed today". No. To achieve top screwee status you have to be either
1) Born on friday the 13th.(bummer dude)
2) Have been gentically mutated to be a screwee.(through nuclear radiation preferrably)
3) Releasing fermones that attract the screwers like moths to a flame.(poor flame)
4) Be a descendant of saddam hussain or osama bin laden or "saddam hussain and osama bin laden".
and from the above
1 + 2 + 3 + 4 = me

I get screwed over in so many ways there are even genre's. Notice for old dudes and dudes with teeth problems the next section contains like really really ungood ways of being struck by lighting, so look away now.

Genre:The i'll be there by *:** screw over
Screwers: Gals enuff said
Story: Ok im the type o dude that's on time. If someone is waitin for me i dont dig it. Unfortunately not many dudes in my gang dont dig me not diggin it. And for the dudets of the gang, their biological clock is abt a 23 hrs slower than the average unversal time. So when someone(gal) decides to meet up at some dumbass bollywood mushy mushy movie and the same someone threatens to rearrange the features of my face if i dont show up on time for the morning show as everyone else would. But by some cosmic twist of fate all the rest(especially all the gals) arrive for the matinee while i was being chased around the premises by a watchman dude, a beggar dude and a dude who is trying to sell me his ticket for half the mullah, for the past 2 hrs.
Instances: a) i missed half an hour of attack of the clones when my mentally challenged yet fashionably late dude friends decided to walk to the theatre.
b) The countless times we( the dudes) ended up waiting for the non guys to arrive at mp, so that the bunch can go and start writing the latest friends episode at 11:00 in an exam that started at 10:00. Guess what they say when they finally arrive, "we have an exam today? dude i had like no idea."
Locations: cinemas, restaurants, houses, The international space station

Genre: Dont worry dude the party's on me screw over( a variant of i'll pay u later screw over)
Screwers: Dudes, exclusively dudes
Screwer: Dude what abt a party tonite
Me: Whoa, Like Where dude
Screwer: Midnight biryani buffet at the grand kakatiya
Me: Isnt it like costly
Screwer: Naah just 200 bucks per head
Me: Free biryani + midnight + buffet = yeah baby

Later that night 4 patrons and cool dude among them sit in the quite corner of
an exquisite restaurant

Me: (feeling like a kid getting his first bike) Dudes is it 12:00 yet
Screwer & accomplices: No
Me: Dudes is it 12:00 yet
Screwer & accomplices: No
Me: Dudes is it 12:00 yet
Me: Dudes is it 12:00 yet
Screwer & accomplices: For the 3256th time NO NO NO

Ting Ting Ting ........ 12 times

And one dead chicken and 38 cups of ice cream later the bill finally arrives.

Screwer: (looked as though he had seen rani mukherjee(nauseas))
Acomplices N me: Dude what's wrong?

63 seconds and 3 sets of empty pockets later we were 800  bucks short of the tab.

3 sets of eyes were glaring at me,anticipating my next move.

So i weighed my options
A) Pay the money and live to lament abt it
B) Be the special on tomorrow nigt's menu
C) Get mugged by my own friends

(A) seemed pretty wise at the time although now i think (B) was the winner

Result: i end up paying half the total amount.

Recent restaurants for the above genre: Ming's court, Hitech biryani center, K.S.Bakers, Grand kakatiya, Sugar Cane Juice stand.

Dudes i could go on like this for ages, so with assurances that i am the most unfortunate dude yet to be realised as a humanoid, i rest my case.

going out of hyd for a week, if any dudes out there are checkin this out comment or holler or eat pie or something.

Current Mood: Screwed
Current Music: Blind Melon - No Rain

Karma And Milk Packets

Posted by Dude of Wellington | 28 May 2005, 2:47am

Heed my words lest u shall suffer as i did.

When someone laments over his/her lamentable situation what ever it might be dont ever
1) Say "Man something like that will never happen to me."
2) "Im sorry ur not as lucky as me"
3) And most definitely donot point and laugh like a maniac rolling on the ground

Coz its gonna come back and bite u in the ass(yup a jaws sized bite). So why the pearls of wisdom u wonder. patience my dumb apprentice, all shall be revealed...

So the other day i was chilling with this dude im tight with and

Dude: dude im like so pissed.

Me: Dude like why?

Dude: Its my PC at home, cause of the summer n all it gets like so hot every 15 minutes that it gets stuck.

Me: U mean like reboot me every 15 mins kinda stuck.

Dude: Pretty much.

Me: (im laughing at him like a maniac and well just being mean)

Dude: Yeah Yeah laugh(yup jaws is sharpening its teeth)

Me: Dude phoebs(my pc) on the other hand doesnt even know what hot is. Dont worry its not ur fault some people are destined to suffer.(then more laughing and pointing ensued.)

A couple hours later i startup phoebs and am like channel surfing while she boots up. After abt like 20 mins of surfing through 100 channels i realise we needed more channels. So me goes back to phoebs only to see she is stuck, me thinks it a fluke and reboots. Five minutes later she's stuck again but only this time her speakers decide they are some kinda operatic solo performers and let out this high pitched noise which is why i guess there is this huge crack in my window, and the cycle goes on.....

Reboot - 300 seconds - high pitched siren
Reboot - 300 seconds - high pitched siren
Reboot - 300 seconds - high pitched siren

After a 3,042,063 times of this i realised something might be wrong.

Cut to next day...

Me: Dude its not funny......
Dude: yes its not funny its hilarious(laughing, pointing, rolling and weirder still armpit farts)

89 seconds later i decide there is no way i can go on like this, i had to watch all the 5 star wars movies before sith comes out on the 20th and there was no way this would happen if i had to reboot 37 zillion times. Late that night as i was laying in bed plotting to extort choclates from my sister, i hit upon a gr8 idea(Note: All gr8 ideas come when ur shceming to obtain fatty foods). So i sneaked in the dark to the icebox(the refrigerator to all of you living in the stoneage) and made away with 2 frozen packets of milk(the perfect crime).
A clear descendant of einstien that i am, i went on to place the packets on phoebs and lo i had created my self 20bucks worth of heat exchange system, runnin time 2 hrs 23 minutes. After 2 hrs and 23 mins the milk was restored to its icey slumber. And so this continued every night.

late night - sneaking - kidnapping milk packets - 2hrs 23mins of star wars
late night - sneaking - kidnapping milk packets - 2hrs 23mins of star wars
late night - sneaking - kidnapping milk packets - 2hrs 23mins of star wars

cut to a week later

granma: u know something is wrong with the icebox the deepfreezer doesnt seem to be working
Me: Dude why do u say that(yup i call everyone dude, yup i know its annoying)
granma: The milk doesnt freeze overnight.

Me: uh!oh! they are onto me...........

Current Mood: Screwed
Current Music: Runaway Train